Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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