are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
