Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
