Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
