I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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