God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
