At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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