Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
