My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
