you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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