shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
