woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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