3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
