The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
