I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
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