pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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