ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
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She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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