every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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