I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
