She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
