I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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