your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
