this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
