Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
