i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Less talking, more tequila
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
