I accidentally burped into my bong.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
whose parrot is this?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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