Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
