Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
