What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
