Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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