so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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