i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
