Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
