And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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