Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
