The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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