I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
