anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize