you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
