No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
