In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
