i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
