Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You can't motorboat a personality
People in love make me want to vomit
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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