how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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