I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
