Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
