If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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