she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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