i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
