i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
