When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
