I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
