So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
