we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
