paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
