im drinking this country out of the recession.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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