I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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