I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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